They're Back!

Friday night was a good night. Tiffany and I used to host the college group from our church almost every other Friday night for quite a few years. Many a college students has come through our home with many laughs and some good talks about life. Over the course of the last two years as Tiffany’s health declined and our schedule became more full with living with CF we have not been able to host them as we wanted. This last Friday night though I was able to host a group of about 35-40 college students who filled the house with music, laughter, serious conversation, games, and more laughter. What a blessing it was to be able to host our college group once again.  Here are a couple blessings from the night.

1. Tiffany’s piano was very active with former piano students and others making music.
2. We had an hour and half singspiration -- what a blessing to just worship God together
3. The fire pit still accomplishes its purpose -- a place to have great conversation that many times leads to spiritual issues.
4. Laughter was heard throughout the house
5. It was fun to just watch people enjoy each others company and to develop friendships that would never occur in the normal walks of life.
6. I was actually able to stay up till they left (around 1:30 a.m.)  :)

Wise, Eternal Ways

My best friend from college wrote the below poem and sent it to me in memory of Tiffany. It is a poem of great theological depth that considers God, life, sin's effects, God's deliverance, and the need to make eternal decisions in light of these realities. Thanks Wade for focussing me in on the eternal!

Wise, Eternal Ways

From Psalm 90

In memory of Tiffany Davis Brock

December 5, 1975— December 1, 2010

O Lord our God, You are our dwelling place,

Security in every age we trace.

Before firm mountains stood or sun had shone,

From everlasting, You are God alone.

You turn the sons of man to dust again,

Our long, full years come to their mortal end;

Yet in Your sight the years are moments past,

First promising, but soon like withering grass.

Consider now why all mankind must die?

It is our sin; Your wrath is justified.

Your fury poured in death on fallen men,

For open deeds and sins hid deep within.

Though death's cold curse my body still must face,

No condemnation comes beyond the grave;

God's final wrath Christ drank for my poor sake,

And then He rose the chains of death to break.

Chorus:

So teach us, Lord, to number out our days,

And live for You, in wise, eternal ways.

In faithful love, give joy in place of tears,

And bless our work to last beyond our years.

~Wade Williams, Copyright 2010. All rights reserved.
Used by permission

The Blessing of Giving

I know that I still have one more entry in dealing with False Guilt, but it is still not ready for publishing. I wanted to share a blessing though with you.  About a month ago I was able to go into the CF clinic and give them the rest of Tiffany’s meds that we had on hand. What a blessing to hear soon after that they were able to give out some of the drugs to some CFers that could not afford it. You see, the retail price for a month of CF drugs depending on what you are on is usually around 10k a month. These drugs are key to the health of a CFer to keep away infections and to keep the lungs open. What a blessing to know that these important meds are being able to help another person -- it was fun to go to the clinic and give them away.

Today, I also had another one of those blessings. Tiffany had CFRD (CF related diabetes) and had been on insulin for the last two and a half years. About a year and a half ago we were able to get set up with an insulin pump and a continuous glucose management system. All together, I think it was somewhere between 7-10k of equipment and supplies. We were in the process of switching endocrinologist when Tiffany went in to the hospital so we had never had an appointment with her but knew that she worked closely with CF patients. Today I dropped off to their office all of Tiff’s diabetic equipment and supplies so that they could give it to someone who needed it.  What a blessing to hear that they already had someone with CF in mind that needed a pump but could not afford one. The insulin pump gives so much greater control of the diabetes and makes life so much easier -- what a blessing to give!

We must never forget that there is more to life than ourselves and even in the midst of difficulties we need to keep a heart to give. I am confident that the meds and equipment will be a blessing to those who received them, but I also know that I have been greatly blessed by being able to give them away. It is true -- it is more blessed to give than to receive!

False Guilt -- The Results

When I do not properly respond to the unbiblical thinking of false guilt it will lead to more wrong thinking that eventually will show itself in my thoughts, attitudes, relationship, and actions. Here are some example of these four basic categories of results.

Thoughts

• Bitterness -- I hold a grudge because my “rights” have been violated which leads to devastating relationships and anger. I see this often in bitterness towards God because of what He gave me in a disease or life circumstance.
• Feelings of unworthiness -- People think how could someone love me if I am like this or have this disease. If I have had “this” happen to me then I am unclean or too sick for anyone to love me.

Attitudes

• Depression -- When we convince ourselves that there is no hope it leads to despair. 
• Anxiety -- When we can’t fix it, take it away, or prevent it we allow worry to take control that leads to anxiety and a sense of overwhelmingness that has no hope or deliverance in sight
• Anger -- This response can be internal or external as we buy the idea that life is not fair and that I should be treated better or my life should be easier and we respond with this emotion.

Relationships

• Broken relationships -- unresolved sin, bitterness, depression, and basically all of the above will often times lead to broken relationships.  Conflict that is based on circumstances or relationships lead to hurt feelings that left unresolved will lead to broken relationships
• Fear of man -- we live our life based upon other people’s actions or attitudes rather than basing our life upon the fear of God and who our God is. For example, we allows someone’s view of us keep from doing what is best or what is Biblical.

Actions

• Do not move forward (not on) -- We simply stop living because we are frozen in this guilt and to move forward in life we believe would only bring more guilt and hardship
• Make bad decisions motivated by false guilt -- we make unwise medical decisions because we feel like giving up, or in our anger we stop taking care of ourselves to get back at someone. We abandon support out of anger because of unresolved conflict or because our guilt leads us to believing we are causing too much trouble.
• Giving up -- we think “well, if life is going to be like this then I might as well not even try.”

Overall the result is a life lived that is controlled by this false guilt that negatively impacts almost every area of my life. It is a life lived in bondage rather than a life that is lived in freedom from guilt. What is great to know, is that we do not have to live here. There is a solution to living life with this false guilt. My next post will talk about the solution to false guilt.

(footnote: the reality is that most of the above mentioned results of false guilt are also results of unresolved true guilt as well)

False Guilt - The Source

The first step in dealing with false guilt is identifying the source of that false guilt -- what is causing the sense of guilt on one’s part. This is important because there is true guilt that needs to be dealt with at times in our own life. By identifying the source or cause of the guilt, we will be able to identify whether it is true or false guilt. True guilt is a result of doing something wrong or sinful that has not been made right or resolved. False guilt is the result of hanging on to something that was not wrong or something that has been resolved. Here are a couple examples of true and false guilt:

False Guilt

1. Someone else has sinned against me, and I feel shame over it (abuse many times fits in this category)
2. Regret over past action or lack of actions that cannot be changed or resolved such as did I exercise with my wife enough that may have helped her lungs
3. Regret over decisions made with less information than I have today such as medical decisions of when to start or stop treatments
4. Guilt that I could have done more despite the reality of the progressive nature of Cystic Fibrosis
5. Guilt over something that has been forgiven already such as when you may have sinned against someone but you have asked for forgiveness already
6. Guilt over letting someone down 
7. Guilt over being the “cause” of life hardships. Tiffany would sometimes have to deal with these feelings because of the implications that CF brought upon her family and me as her husband -- sometimes she would feel like it wasn’t fair that we would have to endure the CF because of her.

True Guilt

1. Shame over unconfessed sin against God or others such as deceit, violating trust, etc. . .
2. Unreconciled offenses such as arguments
3. Clearly evident bad choices not made right such as ignoring one’s health and not caring  

The source of false guilt is my wrong thinking or feeling that I am responsible for something that I actually am not responsible. True guilt is my shame or guilt over something that I am responsible for and have not properly resolved.  Identifying your source or cause of guilt is very important if you are going to be able to resolve that guilt. My next blog will deal with the result of keeping false guilt in your life and thinking.

False Guilt

Today is the third month anniversary since Tiffany’s homegoing on December 1. It has been a good day with work being a busy day and some good meetings, some good conversations with family, and some good therapy at In-N-Out burger. 

What I find as one of the most difficult things since Tiffany’s death is dealing with the what ifs and could of, should of thought processes. One of the dangers in dealing with death and in dealing with chronic disease is that it is easy to have a false guilt. What I mean by a false guilt is a feeling of guilt that is not legitimate. It is a feeling of guilt when we imagine of what could have been if we simply would have made different choices, choices that could have given more life or choices that in hind sight we think would have been much better than the choice we actually made. I believe that this false guilt can really lead to more heartache and difficulty in life that is not necessary. But it is so easy to question did I do everything right or should I have done more or in my case should I have done less with work and such.

The battle of the mind is probably the greatest battle that one faces with a chronic disease and great loss. Although the physical trials are hard, the mental trials are harder. Although the physical trials have great pain, the mental trials can hurt more. Although Tiffany and I never made it through the transplant process, much of the reading that we had done pointed to how difficult the mental aspects of the process would have been. It is important for us to recognize that there is this great battle of the mind that leads to wrong thinking that leads to false guilt that leads to discouragement, depression, anxiety, and choices that lead to a downward spiral of life. So the question then is, “How do I deal with this wrong thinking and false guilt?” My next couple of blogs will deal with this false guilt and how can we deal with it in our own lives.

The Will of God

I wrote this journal entry in my journal November 9, 2010. Later that morning, we decided to take Tiffany back to the hospital. God was preparing me for the weeks and months ahead -- Don’t we serve a great God!

“I find myself going back to 2 Timothy lately.  This book has become a real source of encouragement and challenge to me over the last couple of years.  When I am going through hard times I usually come back to here as I have for the last three days. I didn’t get pass the first verse.

Paul, an apostle of Jesus Christ by the will of God, according to the promise of the life which is in Christ Jesus.

Two things jumped out at me today.

1. Paul’s position of life was established by the will of God. My position and status of life is clearly founded on the will of God.  Tiffany and I are in the situation that we are in with her health by the will of God.  I am president of IBC by the will of God. It is not my will but God’s will that I am where I am.

2. Paul lived based upon the promise of life in Christ. I must live my life based upon the promise of life which is found only in Christ. My identity is not found in myself but in Christ alone. Because of having this eternal perspective it gives me a foundation for living that is not myself but is Christ.  Who I am and how I live must be rooted in Christ. I am willing to faithfully endure because of the Life that Christ gives now and in the future. LIfe is not according to me but according to what Christ has established.”

The Value of a Good Nurse

Today I was reminded of the value of a good nurse especially a good home health care nurse. I was out to eat with a friend when I saw across the restaurant one of Tiffany’s former home health care nurses. This nurse is probably one of the best nurses that Tiffany had in our marriage and definitely the best home health nurse we ever had. She was great because she educated us and didn’t just tell us what to do. She taught us how to live better with all of the I.V.s and struggles that come with at home care. She is the one that taught us how to be independent with the port. Not only was she great because she educated us, but she was great because she genuinely cared. It has been at least two years since we saw her last but yet she remembered me and especially Tiffany.  Although it was hard to tell her of Tiffany’s death, it was a blessing to hear her remember Tiffany. She took time to listen to us today and the many visits that she was at our home. When it comes to dealing with a chronic illness, there really is nothing like a good nurse. They are of great value!

Midnight

The below was Tiffany’s second to last journal entry before she passed away, and I shared it with our church family this morning. I think this entry really points to the struggle that one faces with chronic illnesses but also reveals the hope and quiet rest that Tiffany had in God. Sometimes we think that God is only working if He gives us deliverance, but God is at work in our difficult circumstances and gives us His grace, strength, and peace.

“often i find that night time is one of the hardest times for me.  there is something about the stillness, the quietness that brings thoughts and emotions.  last night was a time of some frank discussions with my Lord.

there were some tough questions that He and I talked through....

why did he allow the cf? why was i the one blessed with it?  why couldn’t i just be normal and be able to enjoy a quiet life with my hubby-looking forward to many years together? why were we faced with these tough choices?  why is this sooo hard? why can’t it just be easy? i don’t think i can do this? i don’t want to live life like this?

it was a time of wrestling, of tears, of frustration, even sometimes anger and yet His quiet peace permeated it all.  i don’t have all of the answers and much is still raw, but i know i can rest in His grace-it is sufficient.  this is not out of his control...he is ordering each and every step. There were no new earth shattering revelations-just peace, a peace that it hard to explain-a quiet rest.”

Friday Fill-in -- Delighting in the Simple Things

Sometimes in the trials of life like what Cystic Fibrosis brings you need to just take time and delight in the simple things. When we go to one of favorite vacation spots our first and last stop is to a little store that sells ice cream, fudge, and huge variety of carmel apples. That little store has made a lot of money off of us! Tiffany’s favorite was a white chocolate carmel apple covered in cinnamon. That with some coffee made for a great treat. Take time to delight in the simple things of life. 

Never Thought About It Before

I think one of the greatest joys in marriage is when you do something for the spouse that they really enjoy or appreciate.  I just loved doing things for Tiffany whether it was something to do with her health or it was just everyday things.  I especially enjoyed doing things for her on special occasions like Birthdays and such. One of my really fun things would be to fix her a fancy steak dinner and get all of her nice dishes out and use them. It was just fun to watch her and to enjoy showing love to one another.

The day after Tiffany’s burial, her brother and I went by the old tree where Tiffany and I got engaged, and we noticed that one of the huge branches had fallen down in some past storm. The following day we went down and cut out the branch (about 18 inches round and 15 feet long) and brought it up to the ranch house. I had decided that I wanted to make a temporary grave marker so that there would be more than just a 3x5 card there until we got a permanent headstone. Well, over the course of the next couple weeks, I spent many hours cutting a flat surface, sanding down the 2 ft section I had cut off the log, routing in her name and dates into some cedar that I mounted on the log, and putting it all together. As I was working in my Dad’s woodshop routing her name in the cedar, I realized something that I had never thought about before -- Even following your loved one’s death, you still enjoy doing things for them. 

Is It Worth It?

Another question that ties right in with the question of “how could you marry someone with a terminal disease” is the following: was it worth it marrying someone who had Cystic Fibrosis? This once again seems like a pretty bold question but yet a question that some may be wondering if they are in a dating relationship or a marriage with someone who has a terminal condition. Not everyone gets to choose whether they will marry someone with a terminal disease because the disease may not show itself until after marriage. One of my good friends and roommate in college lost his wife while they were still in their twenties but yet I was supposed to be the one to lose his wife first. I also want you to notice that the question is not “Was” it worth it? but rather the question is “Is” it worth it?. You see, being married to someone with CF is not over for me. Tonight I went to starbucks and looked at pictures of Tiff on her mac as I took time to just stop and contemplate on the two month anniversary of her homegoing. Sometime soon I get to go to the CF clinic to deliver meds that can still be used by others -- being married to someone with CF does not end with the end stage of CF--it is a continuing effect in my life. So, looking back not only over the last two months but also at the last 17.5 years that I knew Tiff and looking forward to the years ahead that God may give me -- Is it worth it to marry someone with CF or a terminal condition?

I believe a key component to answering this question is having the right perspective on CF. I have read many blogs by CFers who live lives of anger and frustration and bitterness toward Cystic Fibrosis. The reality is that it is not an easy disease and that it does kill people much earlier than we would ever desire, but CF is not something to be angry about. I believe one of the problems is that people define themselves by the circumstances that they find themselves in rather than finding their identity in Christ.  For sure, CF shaped Tiffany’s life, but more than the actual CF, Tiffany’s response to it shaped her life.  Tiffany was not defined by CF, but rather she was and is defined by Christ and her faith in Him and Him alone. About a year ago, I had to work through some of these issues again. I found myself getting frustrated with CF and the hardships that it was bringing into Tiffany’s and my life. God worked on my heart again and brought me to the place where I could honestly say “Thank you God for giving Tiffany CF.” It is counting it all joy in the difficulties and trials of life not because pain and suffering and limitations are fun or “happy” occasions but rather that I can rest in God’s design for my life and my wife’s life. That God is using trials to bring us to a greater conformity to Him -- to teach us that we might change and give up our will to His will.

So I sit here in my house alone (o.k. our dog is keeping me company) having gone through the ups and downs of CF, having spent more nights in the hospital than I care to remember, having my wife die as I held her hand and quietly slip into glory, having experienced much of what CF brings and I ask myself, “Is it worth it?” YES!, it is worth every joy, trial, up, down, thrill, love, tear, loss, gain, difficulty, and experience as CF was uniquely used by God in Tiffany’s life to conform her to the image of His son and to conform those around her to the image of His Son. I have been changed forever by choosing to love that cute girl from CO who had a terminal disease -- It was worth it and I would marry her again!

One of our favorite places

What Great Love!

Here is a chorus for which a good friend of mine wrote some music. We sang it this last Sunday morning, and all I could do was weep as I thought of Tiffany enjoying the boundless love of Christ in His glorious rest above!


O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward to Thy glorious rest above!


by S. Trevor Francis

How Could You?

When I think back to my college days and when I first started dating Tiffany I had a number of issues and questions to work through.  I remember one of the guys in the dorm asked me how could I marry someone with CF who would die early. Although it was probably an innocent question at the time it was also an offensive question that someone would even ask it. The reality though is that it was a question that needed answered. Perhaps now I am better prepared to answer that question than I was 16 years ago when we started dating. 

When I asked my father-in-law for Tiffany’s hand in marriage, and we talked about the future ahead I simply told him that I loved his daughter. Tiffany and I were hitched 27 days after college graduation, and we were married for thirteen and a half years and one day. When I think of all the years that we spent together, my mind and heart are flooded over with such great memories. Memories of love, laughter, hardship, CF clinics, a little apartment, new houses, her grand piano, music, piano playing, recitals, ministry, family, traveling, IV treatments, vacations, crying, talking, planning for a life together, planning for dying young, dreaming, making her music CD, prednisone, grad school (in our thirteen years I think we only went one year when one of us was not working on a grad degree), business, choosing to slow down, Big Bear, the beach, college students, more health issues, diabetes, progressive issues, chronic illness, enjoying little things, God’s grace, ranch life, brandings, rural life, sinus surgeries (we lost count, around 5-7), city life, disappointments, successes and the list really could go on for awhile. As I look back, I am faced with that question -- how could I marry someone who I knew had CF and would most likely die young -- I love her. Yep, that pretty much sums it up -- simply put -- I love her! That is how I could marry someone who I knew in all likelihood would get to worship God face to face sooner rather than later.

I.V. organization part 4 -- Ports and when to get one

This is was my last post that I wrote last summer for the series on I.V. organization. Tiffany had posted all the other entries but had not gotten around to posting this one.  If you are interested in reading the others you can click here for the July entries and you will find 3 other entries about organization. 

This was a tough decision for Tiffany and I -- when do you get a port put in. A port is a semi-permanent (Tiff’s first port lasted around 4 years) line that is put in with a reservoir that sits right below your skin that you access with a needle.  To start IVs your simply put the needle into the port and you are good to go -- you are up and running in 15 minutes.  PIC lines are temporary and have to be placed in every time you do IVs. Usually they are now considered a surgical procedure so you have to get admitted to the hospital as an outpatient to have it placed.  Tiffany’s first PIC line after we were married was put in by her CF nurse in the office -- they don’t do that anymore. PIC lines are more fickle but then again, you don’t have something permanent in your body.

The hardest part of the decision is the feeling that your are giving in again to CF and that you are progressing. To have to need a port makes you feel like you are in a different stage of treating the disease. We finally based our decision on the number of times that Tiff would be on IVs.  We felt like if she was only on them once a year, it was worth the hassle of the PIC line so that everything was temporary.  When she needed to be on IVs more than that we decided to get the port.  We are very thankful that we made the decision to get it.  This year Tiffany has been on IVs three different times. Of the last 7 months, she has literally spent 50% of the time on IVs -- having a PIC line now would be miserable.  Once she had to be on IVs for 5 months to treat mico-bacteria. The port gives us convenience and speed of therapy.  We can go to the Dr., decide to go on IVs, and have them running that very same night -- that is usually not possible unless you check in to the hospital if you have a PIC line.

For us, the port has given us more control and convenience and it is when you reach that place with treating CF, you should strongly consider getting a port, because the reality is -- CF is progressive and you probably have reached the next level of treatment to maintain your health.  That doesn’t mean you are giving in, it just means you have to be more aggressive in the treatment in order to stay healthy -- and that is the goal -- staying as healthy as is possible in God’s plan.

So this concludes what started out as a simple explanation of our IV organization but turned into a diatribe.  Would love to hear your tricks of the trade on how you organize and what you do to help maintain your health!

Updated title, description, and about me

Well, I was advised to update the title, description, and “about me” section so I have made a stab at it.  Hopefully it clearly communicates what the blog is and what it is about. I found the following description of what Tiffany hoped that this blog would accomplish. She wrote this back in April.

“Starting this blog has been a long process--a long process in evaluating whether the transparency necessary for a blog of this nature would be worth it. A good friend of mine (and many others) has been challenging me to share with others what I am learning as I live the life that God has given me with Cystic Fibrosis.  The intention of this blog is to inform others about CF and practical ways of dealing with it, to encourage a dependence on our only sustainer (God), and to promote a Biblical view and response to life. I hope that as you read what is in my heart, that it will help you in your life.”

I am looking forward to carrying forward what Tiffany began.

Our Inner Strength

So where does the inner strength come from in order to handle the difficulties of life.  The more I understand what all Tiffany went through and understand her personal strength the more I am coming to understand where her inner strength came from to handle those difficulties. Tiffany’s greatest strength was not physical with the ability to fight but it was an internal strength with the ability to rest in God. I think God specifically had her studying Ephesians and the gospel because understanding who you are in Christ is that key. Eph 3:14-20 are key to understanding.

It is by understanding who we are in Christ that we are strengthened. It is according to the riches of His grace and in the context of Ephesians it is according to how much we overwhelming have in Christ because of who He is and what He has done for us. My strength is not rooted in who I am as a person, but it is rooted in who I am in Christ.  When I understand these great riches of who I am in Christ, then that strengthens my inner man because my identity is not based in me but in Christ and His grace.  Understanding who I am in Christ helps me understand the love of God and then I am content and willing to do God’s will for me life. That road may not be easy, but when I know how rich I am in Christ I love him more and am willing to follow him anywhere.

What is needed most to handle the trials of life such as a chronic disease is not physical strength but rather inner strength. Our greatest battles were not physical but rather emotional and spiritual. When I understand this reality, then it helps me focus in on what I actually need.  I need to know who I am in Christ and what I have because of my faith in the gospel of Christ that salvation is by faith alone in Christ alone. The key to battling any type of physical hardship is the inner battle -- I must endeavor to know my God!

My First Night

Written last Wednesday.

Last night was my first night alone since Tiffany’s passing. I miss her. Because I had a dinner appointment with work I didn’t get home till 8:30 so that made the night go quicker.  Honestly, I think the day was worse anticipating the night than the actual night was. It was not a night of emotional breakdowns but rather it was another step in the finality of my life situation that Tiffany is no longer here. How weird it was to drive up to my house at 8:30 p.m. with having not been at the house since I left for work in the morning. I could never do that before if I was going to properly take care of Tiffany these last six months or it would have meant that she would not eat till 9 p.m. My schedule change so far has been one of the biggest changes.  CF took up so much time in our life. It was not something that was despised or to be mad about it, it simply was our life. I also see now that my life choices have to be much more deliberate because before Tiffany’s health would dictate so many of our choices while now my choices are simply dictated but what I choose to do or not do.

Friday Fill-in Catch Up -- Never Thought About It

I am going to start a new series of blogs that will come and go as life happens.  They are called “Never Thought About It.” You see, when you live with someone who you know will most likely die at a young age you have some very interesting conversation, and you think through many things about what life will be when the Lord finally does take that person home. This series of entries will be about those things that I never thought about -- some will be serious, some will be funny, and who knows what the others will be because I simply don’t know what they will be as I have never thought about it.

One of my first ones happened the Saturday after Tiff’s memorial services.  I had just dropped my brother-in-law off at the airport, and I needed to stop somewhere for lunch. Well, right now I am going through a lot of firsts without Tiffany and that was the first time that I went out to eat alone following Tiff’s death. I decided to go to Taco Bell (not because I really wanted to but because that has always been one of Tiff’s favorites) and finished eating.  I had a two hour drive ahead of me, so I decided that I had better use the bathroom before I leave. Who in the world is supposed to hold your drink for you when you have to use the bathroom at a restaurant and you are alone? I am not sure as I never thought about it before!