False Guilt

Today is the third month anniversary since Tiffany’s homegoing on December 1. It has been a good day with work being a busy day and some good meetings, some good conversations with family, and some good therapy at In-N-Out burger. 

What I find as one of the most difficult things since Tiffany’s death is dealing with the what ifs and could of, should of thought processes. One of the dangers in dealing with death and in dealing with chronic disease is that it is easy to have a false guilt. What I mean by a false guilt is a feeling of guilt that is not legitimate. It is a feeling of guilt when we imagine of what could have been if we simply would have made different choices, choices that could have given more life or choices that in hind sight we think would have been much better than the choice we actually made. I believe that this false guilt can really lead to more heartache and difficulty in life that is not necessary. But it is so easy to question did I do everything right or should I have done more or in my case should I have done less with work and such.

The battle of the mind is probably the greatest battle that one faces with a chronic disease and great loss. Although the physical trials are hard, the mental trials are harder. Although the physical trials have great pain, the mental trials can hurt more. Although Tiffany and I never made it through the transplant process, much of the reading that we had done pointed to how difficult the mental aspects of the process would have been. It is important for us to recognize that there is this great battle of the mind that leads to wrong thinking that leads to false guilt that leads to discouragement, depression, anxiety, and choices that lead to a downward spiral of life. So the question then is, “How do I deal with this wrong thinking and false guilt?” My next couple of blogs will deal with this false guilt and how can we deal with it in our own lives.