Midnight

The below was Tiffany’s second to last journal entry before she passed away, and I shared it with our church family this morning. I think this entry really points to the struggle that one faces with chronic illnesses but also reveals the hope and quiet rest that Tiffany had in God. Sometimes we think that God is only working if He gives us deliverance, but God is at work in our difficult circumstances and gives us His grace, strength, and peace.

“often i find that night time is one of the hardest times for me.  there is something about the stillness, the quietness that brings thoughts and emotions.  last night was a time of some frank discussions with my Lord.

there were some tough questions that He and I talked through....

why did he allow the cf? why was i the one blessed with it?  why couldn’t i just be normal and be able to enjoy a quiet life with my hubby-looking forward to many years together? why were we faced with these tough choices?  why is this sooo hard? why can’t it just be easy? i don’t think i can do this? i don’t want to live life like this?

it was a time of wrestling, of tears, of frustration, even sometimes anger and yet His quiet peace permeated it all.  i don’t have all of the answers and much is still raw, but i know i can rest in His grace-it is sufficient.  this is not out of his control...he is ordering each and every step. There were no new earth shattering revelations-just peace, a peace that it hard to explain-a quiet rest.”

Progressive

I don’t know what I was expecting but this was not it.  I realize that I do have a progressive disease-that means that I will die from it or complications from it. I think that I expected to just at some point to get sick and not recover from it-to go quickly.  However, this is very different.  My lungs are slowly dying.  The past two days have been very hard.  I have been off of IV’s for almost 3 weeks and I am getting sick.  Coughing up crud, tired, really struggling.  

This is that progressive part.  It is almost as if your body is holding you hostage, laughing at you, because there is not anything you can do about it.  It is very wearing physically, mentally and emotionally.  There has been times this weekend where I have struggled with just quitting-wanting to stop the fight.  Now, don’t freak out on me that is not going to happen but it is something that I have thought.  

In the quiet hours, after coughing for 1 1/2 hrs and struggling to go back to sleep, when everything aches, when you just want some moments of relief-these are the times when progressive really hits home. I feel guilty for putting my DH, my family, my friends, my coworkers through this.  Although I know that many of them have chosen to walk beside me for this journey it doesn’t make it easier.  My brother is getting married next summer and I have told DH several times that I HAVE to be at his wedding (of course, the unspoken fear is that I won’t be). Don’t worry Brother....I plan on being there!

"My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength [rock] of my heart and my portion forever."  Psalm 73:26