Living Between a Heritage and a Legacy

The following is my tribute to my mother-in-law, a mom living between her heritage and her legacy. As we celebrate Mother’s Day, I thought that this would be a fitting entry.

You see, my mother-in-law is a woman who has impacted my life in a great way. Over the course of the last 16 years that I have known her, she has taught me much. Over the course of the last couple of years, we have learned much together as we spent many hours caring for Tiffany and simply enjoying life as a family. In the last year, my love and respect for my mother-in-law has grown even more as I have watched her live through a very difficult time of life as she experienced the death of her daughter and her mom within six weeks of each other. Within six weeks her legacy and her heritage came together in Heaven. 

The Heritage that she had in her mother is a rich heritage. Her mother was a kind and gracious woman who passed on to my mother-in-law many of the needed traits she would need to live through the life that God had called her to live. She was faithful to her God, her husband, and her family throughout her life. She was a genteel woman who graciously served her God and her family. It is a Heritage worth emulating and a Heritage that should never be forgotten. 

The Legacy that she has in her daughter is an unfathomable legacy. By that it is one that is hard to understand. Usually your legacy is what you leave behind once you are gone, but Mom’s legacy went ahead to glory first. Although we all make our own decisions, one’s children many times is an indictment upon you. Mom’s legacy, my wife, is an indictment that speaks volumes about my mother-in-law. I got to see up close the impact that Tiffany’s mom had upon her life and how she lived with Cystic Fibrosis. Tiffany’s desire to not quit, to not make excuses, to trust in God, to keep living, to invest in the eternal, to pursue excellence, to love music, to love her husband and her family, and her gracious spirit towards people and life’s difficulties is a legacy to the life of my mother-in-law. It reveals a woman who lived that out in front of Tiffany through it all. Tiffany and I in the last couple years of her life would often laugh about how much she was becoming her mom whether it was how she wrote, spoke, or viewed life. Many fear that their wife may become their mother-in-law--Me, I welcomed it!

So Mom, on this day that you remember your Heritage and your Legacy, know that you have forever changed my life. I am privileged to have walked this way with you. I love you and am thankful that today I can say Happy Mother’s Day as your Heritage and your Legacy are getting to worship our Savior face to face. Although they are not with us today, they are with the King of kings. Your Heritage will never be forgotten and your Legacy will always be loved!

The Blessing of Giving

I know that I still have one more entry in dealing with False Guilt, but it is still not ready for publishing. I wanted to share a blessing though with you.  About a month ago I was able to go into the CF clinic and give them the rest of Tiffany’s meds that we had on hand. What a blessing to hear soon after that they were able to give out some of the drugs to some CFers that could not afford it. You see, the retail price for a month of CF drugs depending on what you are on is usually around 10k a month. These drugs are key to the health of a CFer to keep away infections and to keep the lungs open. What a blessing to know that these important meds are being able to help another person -- it was fun to go to the clinic and give them away.

Today, I also had another one of those blessings. Tiffany had CFRD (CF related diabetes) and had been on insulin for the last two and a half years. About a year and a half ago we were able to get set up with an insulin pump and a continuous glucose management system. All together, I think it was somewhere between 7-10k of equipment and supplies. We were in the process of switching endocrinologist when Tiffany went in to the hospital so we had never had an appointment with her but knew that she worked closely with CF patients. Today I dropped off to their office all of Tiff’s diabetic equipment and supplies so that they could give it to someone who needed it.  What a blessing to hear that they already had someone with CF in mind that needed a pump but could not afford one. The insulin pump gives so much greater control of the diabetes and makes life so much easier -- what a blessing to give!

We must never forget that there is more to life than ourselves and even in the midst of difficulties we need to keep a heart to give. I am confident that the meds and equipment will be a blessing to those who received them, but I also know that I have been greatly blessed by being able to give them away. It is true -- it is more blessed to give than to receive!

Midnight

The below was Tiffany’s second to last journal entry before she passed away, and I shared it with our church family this morning. I think this entry really points to the struggle that one faces with chronic illnesses but also reveals the hope and quiet rest that Tiffany had in God. Sometimes we think that God is only working if He gives us deliverance, but God is at work in our difficult circumstances and gives us His grace, strength, and peace.

“often i find that night time is one of the hardest times for me.  there is something about the stillness, the quietness that brings thoughts and emotions.  last night was a time of some frank discussions with my Lord.

there were some tough questions that He and I talked through....

why did he allow the cf? why was i the one blessed with it?  why couldn’t i just be normal and be able to enjoy a quiet life with my hubby-looking forward to many years together? why were we faced with these tough choices?  why is this sooo hard? why can’t it just be easy? i don’t think i can do this? i don’t want to live life like this?

it was a time of wrestling, of tears, of frustration, even sometimes anger and yet His quiet peace permeated it all.  i don’t have all of the answers and much is still raw, but i know i can rest in His grace-it is sufficient.  this is not out of his control...he is ordering each and every step. There were no new earth shattering revelations-just peace, a peace that it hard to explain-a quiet rest.”

Practically Relevant

A mom of a young CFer posted this today.  Her son, Conner, who is 7, is not doing well at all.  She speaks about what they need from friends right now.  I really appreciate her transparent honesty.

Here is her post;

don't stop talking to us....

this is a wierd topic...but i feel it's an important one. and this is not just about me or my husband, but any grieving family...because once upon a time, i was on your side of the fence not knowing what to do or what to say...but now i feel i can help you all understand a bit from my new side of the fence...

(once again..not about me...about every grieving family)

please don't ignore us.

don't not talk to us simply cus you don't know what to say.

saying nothing adds to our pain.

because ignoring us makes us feel isolated and neglected and unloved.

it really hurts.

the dumbest question to ask is "how are you doing?" or "how are you feeling?" because the answer is obvious...and it kinda seems like you just want to hear "ok" you don't really genuinely want to know about us...

instead a better question is "how is today"

don't say "let me know how i can help" or "can i help" just find something no matter how small and do it. because if others are anything like me...asking for help is a very hard, learned process and i'll always say "i'm fine" even though like today i'm drowning...

the best way to describe it is that we're not really sure how people best like to help, so when someone says can i help you...you're unsure if they mean cook a meal, mow the lawn, watch the other kids etc...so just offer what you'd like to help...because we want the help but are not sure what you want to do to help....

men are mr. fix it's by nature...and when they can't fix something like a child dyeing they walk away. and thats a huge slap to the face. we don't expect you to fix it. because lord knows we've already tried to. we just need the bond to remain open.

it's perfectly ok to not talk about the situation sometimes...infact a welcomed distraction is great, laughter goes a long way...but don't, not talk about it at all like it's the elephant in the room. 

if you don't know what to say simply say that...because honestly...we dont know what to say either. this is all new to us as well...

but by not saying anything, we interprit that as not caring. 

and that adds to our pain.

losing a child or husband or whatever the circumstance is painful enough, but add to it losing what you thought was a close friend, thats just fuel to the fire.

one of my dear friends has been reading books about grieving to help us thru what we're facing and i thought that was a great idea! i wished i had thought of that before...so if you are genuine then maybe find a good book targeted at grief and loss and read up...it'll explain best just how we as grievers are feeling and give you good ideas of topics to talk to us about.

so anyway...the only reason i'm writing this is because i wished i had this information before in my past relationships that suffered loss...not because anyone is making me upset or anything..

love

sarah

You can find more about Sarah and Conner at her blog http://notsobrightandshiny.blogspot.com/.