The Will of God

I wrote this journal entry in my journal November 9, 2010. Later that morning, we decided to take Tiffany back to the hospital. God was preparing me for the weeks and months ahead -- Don’t we serve a great God!

“I find myself going back to 2 Timothy lately.  This book has become a real source of encouragement and challenge to me over the last couple of years.  When I am going through hard times I usually come back to here as I have for the last three days. I didn’t get pass the first verse.

Paul, an apostle of Jesus Christ by the will of God, according to the promise of the life which is in Christ Jesus.

Two things jumped out at me today.

1. Paul’s position of life was established by the will of God. My position and status of life is clearly founded on the will of God.  Tiffany and I are in the situation that we are in with her health by the will of God.  I am president of IBC by the will of God. It is not my will but God’s will that I am where I am.

2. Paul lived based upon the promise of life in Christ. I must live my life based upon the promise of life which is found only in Christ. My identity is not found in myself but in Christ alone. Because of having this eternal perspective it gives me a foundation for living that is not myself but is Christ.  Who I am and how I live must be rooted in Christ. I am willing to faithfully endure because of the Life that Christ gives now and in the future. LIfe is not according to me but according to what Christ has established.”

The Value of a Good Nurse

Today I was reminded of the value of a good nurse especially a good home health care nurse. I was out to eat with a friend when I saw across the restaurant one of Tiffany’s former home health care nurses. This nurse is probably one of the best nurses that Tiffany had in our marriage and definitely the best home health nurse we ever had. She was great because she educated us and didn’t just tell us what to do. She taught us how to live better with all of the I.V.s and struggles that come with at home care. She is the one that taught us how to be independent with the port. Not only was she great because she educated us, but she was great because she genuinely cared. It has been at least two years since we saw her last but yet she remembered me and especially Tiffany.  Although it was hard to tell her of Tiffany’s death, it was a blessing to hear her remember Tiffany. She took time to listen to us today and the many visits that she was at our home. When it comes to dealing with a chronic illness, there really is nothing like a good nurse. They are of great value!

Midnight

The below was Tiffany’s second to last journal entry before she passed away, and I shared it with our church family this morning. I think this entry really points to the struggle that one faces with chronic illnesses but also reveals the hope and quiet rest that Tiffany had in God. Sometimes we think that God is only working if He gives us deliverance, but God is at work in our difficult circumstances and gives us His grace, strength, and peace.

“often i find that night time is one of the hardest times for me.  there is something about the stillness, the quietness that brings thoughts and emotions.  last night was a time of some frank discussions with my Lord.

there were some tough questions that He and I talked through....

why did he allow the cf? why was i the one blessed with it?  why couldn’t i just be normal and be able to enjoy a quiet life with my hubby-looking forward to many years together? why were we faced with these tough choices?  why is this sooo hard? why can’t it just be easy? i don’t think i can do this? i don’t want to live life like this?

it was a time of wrestling, of tears, of frustration, even sometimes anger and yet His quiet peace permeated it all.  i don’t have all of the answers and much is still raw, but i know i can rest in His grace-it is sufficient.  this is not out of his control...he is ordering each and every step. There were no new earth shattering revelations-just peace, a peace that it hard to explain-a quiet rest.”

Friday Fill-in -- Delighting in the Simple Things

Sometimes in the trials of life like what Cystic Fibrosis brings you need to just take time and delight in the simple things. When we go to one of favorite vacation spots our first and last stop is to a little store that sells ice cream, fudge, and huge variety of carmel apples. That little store has made a lot of money off of us! Tiffany’s favorite was a white chocolate carmel apple covered in cinnamon. That with some coffee made for a great treat. Take time to delight in the simple things of life. 

Never Thought About It Before

I think one of the greatest joys in marriage is when you do something for the spouse that they really enjoy or appreciate.  I just loved doing things for Tiffany whether it was something to do with her health or it was just everyday things.  I especially enjoyed doing things for her on special occasions like Birthdays and such. One of my really fun things would be to fix her a fancy steak dinner and get all of her nice dishes out and use them. It was just fun to watch her and to enjoy showing love to one another.

The day after Tiffany’s burial, her brother and I went by the old tree where Tiffany and I got engaged, and we noticed that one of the huge branches had fallen down in some past storm. The following day we went down and cut out the branch (about 18 inches round and 15 feet long) and brought it up to the ranch house. I had decided that I wanted to make a temporary grave marker so that there would be more than just a 3x5 card there until we got a permanent headstone. Well, over the course of the next couple weeks, I spent many hours cutting a flat surface, sanding down the 2 ft section I had cut off the log, routing in her name and dates into some cedar that I mounted on the log, and putting it all together. As I was working in my Dad’s woodshop routing her name in the cedar, I realized something that I had never thought about before -- Even following your loved one’s death, you still enjoy doing things for them. 

Is It Worth It?

Another question that ties right in with the question of “how could you marry someone with a terminal disease” is the following: was it worth it marrying someone who had Cystic Fibrosis? This once again seems like a pretty bold question but yet a question that some may be wondering if they are in a dating relationship or a marriage with someone who has a terminal condition. Not everyone gets to choose whether they will marry someone with a terminal disease because the disease may not show itself until after marriage. One of my good friends and roommate in college lost his wife while they were still in their twenties but yet I was supposed to be the one to lose his wife first. I also want you to notice that the question is not “Was” it worth it? but rather the question is “Is” it worth it?. You see, being married to someone with CF is not over for me. Tonight I went to starbucks and looked at pictures of Tiff on her mac as I took time to just stop and contemplate on the two month anniversary of her homegoing. Sometime soon I get to go to the CF clinic to deliver meds that can still be used by others -- being married to someone with CF does not end with the end stage of CF--it is a continuing effect in my life. So, looking back not only over the last two months but also at the last 17.5 years that I knew Tiff and looking forward to the years ahead that God may give me -- Is it worth it to marry someone with CF or a terminal condition?

I believe a key component to answering this question is having the right perspective on CF. I have read many blogs by CFers who live lives of anger and frustration and bitterness toward Cystic Fibrosis. The reality is that it is not an easy disease and that it does kill people much earlier than we would ever desire, but CF is not something to be angry about. I believe one of the problems is that people define themselves by the circumstances that they find themselves in rather than finding their identity in Christ.  For sure, CF shaped Tiffany’s life, but more than the actual CF, Tiffany’s response to it shaped her life.  Tiffany was not defined by CF, but rather she was and is defined by Christ and her faith in Him and Him alone. About a year ago, I had to work through some of these issues again. I found myself getting frustrated with CF and the hardships that it was bringing into Tiffany’s and my life. God worked on my heart again and brought me to the place where I could honestly say “Thank you God for giving Tiffany CF.” It is counting it all joy in the difficulties and trials of life not because pain and suffering and limitations are fun or “happy” occasions but rather that I can rest in God’s design for my life and my wife’s life. That God is using trials to bring us to a greater conformity to Him -- to teach us that we might change and give up our will to His will.

So I sit here in my house alone (o.k. our dog is keeping me company) having gone through the ups and downs of CF, having spent more nights in the hospital than I care to remember, having my wife die as I held her hand and quietly slip into glory, having experienced much of what CF brings and I ask myself, “Is it worth it?” YES!, it is worth every joy, trial, up, down, thrill, love, tear, loss, gain, difficulty, and experience as CF was uniquely used by God in Tiffany’s life to conform her to the image of His son and to conform those around her to the image of His Son. I have been changed forever by choosing to love that cute girl from CO who had a terminal disease -- It was worth it and I would marry her again!

One of our favorite places

What Great Love!

Here is a chorus for which a good friend of mine wrote some music. We sang it this last Sunday morning, and all I could do was weep as I thought of Tiffany enjoying the boundless love of Christ in His glorious rest above!


O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward to Thy glorious rest above!


by S. Trevor Francis

How Could You?

When I think back to my college days and when I first started dating Tiffany I had a number of issues and questions to work through.  I remember one of the guys in the dorm asked me how could I marry someone with CF who would die early. Although it was probably an innocent question at the time it was also an offensive question that someone would even ask it. The reality though is that it was a question that needed answered. Perhaps now I am better prepared to answer that question than I was 16 years ago when we started dating. 

When I asked my father-in-law for Tiffany’s hand in marriage, and we talked about the future ahead I simply told him that I loved his daughter. Tiffany and I were hitched 27 days after college graduation, and we were married for thirteen and a half years and one day. When I think of all the years that we spent together, my mind and heart are flooded over with such great memories. Memories of love, laughter, hardship, CF clinics, a little apartment, new houses, her grand piano, music, piano playing, recitals, ministry, family, traveling, IV treatments, vacations, crying, talking, planning for a life together, planning for dying young, dreaming, making her music CD, prednisone, grad school (in our thirteen years I think we only went one year when one of us was not working on a grad degree), business, choosing to slow down, Big Bear, the beach, college students, more health issues, diabetes, progressive issues, chronic illness, enjoying little things, God’s grace, ranch life, brandings, rural life, sinus surgeries (we lost count, around 5-7), city life, disappointments, successes and the list really could go on for awhile. As I look back, I am faced with that question -- how could I marry someone who I knew had CF and would most likely die young -- I love her. Yep, that pretty much sums it up -- simply put -- I love her! That is how I could marry someone who I knew in all likelihood would get to worship God face to face sooner rather than later.

I.V. organization part 4 -- Ports and when to get one

This is was my last post that I wrote last summer for the series on I.V. organization. Tiffany had posted all the other entries but had not gotten around to posting this one.  If you are interested in reading the others you can click here for the July entries and you will find 3 other entries about organization. 

This was a tough decision for Tiffany and I -- when do you get a port put in. A port is a semi-permanent (Tiff’s first port lasted around 4 years) line that is put in with a reservoir that sits right below your skin that you access with a needle.  To start IVs your simply put the needle into the port and you are good to go -- you are up and running in 15 minutes.  PIC lines are temporary and have to be placed in every time you do IVs. Usually they are now considered a surgical procedure so you have to get admitted to the hospital as an outpatient to have it placed.  Tiffany’s first PIC line after we were married was put in by her CF nurse in the office -- they don’t do that anymore. PIC lines are more fickle but then again, you don’t have something permanent in your body.

The hardest part of the decision is the feeling that your are giving in again to CF and that you are progressing. To have to need a port makes you feel like you are in a different stage of treating the disease. We finally based our decision on the number of times that Tiff would be on IVs.  We felt like if she was only on them once a year, it was worth the hassle of the PIC line so that everything was temporary.  When she needed to be on IVs more than that we decided to get the port.  We are very thankful that we made the decision to get it.  This year Tiffany has been on IVs three different times. Of the last 7 months, she has literally spent 50% of the time on IVs -- having a PIC line now would be miserable.  Once she had to be on IVs for 5 months to treat mico-bacteria. The port gives us convenience and speed of therapy.  We can go to the Dr., decide to go on IVs, and have them running that very same night -- that is usually not possible unless you check in to the hospital if you have a PIC line.

For us, the port has given us more control and convenience and it is when you reach that place with treating CF, you should strongly consider getting a port, because the reality is -- CF is progressive and you probably have reached the next level of treatment to maintain your health.  That doesn’t mean you are giving in, it just means you have to be more aggressive in the treatment in order to stay healthy -- and that is the goal -- staying as healthy as is possible in God’s plan.

So this concludes what started out as a simple explanation of our IV organization but turned into a diatribe.  Would love to hear your tricks of the trade on how you organize and what you do to help maintain your health!

Updated title, description, and about me

Well, I was advised to update the title, description, and “about me” section so I have made a stab at it.  Hopefully it clearly communicates what the blog is and what it is about. I found the following description of what Tiffany hoped that this blog would accomplish. She wrote this back in April.

“Starting this blog has been a long process--a long process in evaluating whether the transparency necessary for a blog of this nature would be worth it. A good friend of mine (and many others) has been challenging me to share with others what I am learning as I live the life that God has given me with Cystic Fibrosis.  The intention of this blog is to inform others about CF and practical ways of dealing with it, to encourage a dependence on our only sustainer (God), and to promote a Biblical view and response to life. I hope that as you read what is in my heart, that it will help you in your life.”

I am looking forward to carrying forward what Tiffany began.

Our Inner Strength

So where does the inner strength come from in order to handle the difficulties of life.  The more I understand what all Tiffany went through and understand her personal strength the more I am coming to understand where her inner strength came from to handle those difficulties. Tiffany’s greatest strength was not physical with the ability to fight but it was an internal strength with the ability to rest in God. I think God specifically had her studying Ephesians and the gospel because understanding who you are in Christ is that key. Eph 3:14-20 are key to understanding.

It is by understanding who we are in Christ that we are strengthened. It is according to the riches of His grace and in the context of Ephesians it is according to how much we overwhelming have in Christ because of who He is and what He has done for us. My strength is not rooted in who I am as a person, but it is rooted in who I am in Christ.  When I understand these great riches of who I am in Christ, then that strengthens my inner man because my identity is not based in me but in Christ and His grace.  Understanding who I am in Christ helps me understand the love of God and then I am content and willing to do God’s will for me life. That road may not be easy, but when I know how rich I am in Christ I love him more and am willing to follow him anywhere.

What is needed most to handle the trials of life such as a chronic disease is not physical strength but rather inner strength. Our greatest battles were not physical but rather emotional and spiritual. When I understand this reality, then it helps me focus in on what I actually need.  I need to know who I am in Christ and what I have because of my faith in the gospel of Christ that salvation is by faith alone in Christ alone. The key to battling any type of physical hardship is the inner battle -- I must endeavor to know my God!

My First Night

Written last Wednesday.

Last night was my first night alone since Tiffany’s passing. I miss her. Because I had a dinner appointment with work I didn’t get home till 8:30 so that made the night go quicker.  Honestly, I think the day was worse anticipating the night than the actual night was. It was not a night of emotional breakdowns but rather it was another step in the finality of my life situation that Tiffany is no longer here. How weird it was to drive up to my house at 8:30 p.m. with having not been at the house since I left for work in the morning. I could never do that before if I was going to properly take care of Tiffany these last six months or it would have meant that she would not eat till 9 p.m. My schedule change so far has been one of the biggest changes.  CF took up so much time in our life. It was not something that was despised or to be mad about it, it simply was our life. I also see now that my life choices have to be much more deliberate because before Tiffany’s health would dictate so many of our choices while now my choices are simply dictated but what I choose to do or not do.

Friday Fill-in Catch Up -- Never Thought About It

I am going to start a new series of blogs that will come and go as life happens.  They are called “Never Thought About It.” You see, when you live with someone who you know will most likely die at a young age you have some very interesting conversation, and you think through many things about what life will be when the Lord finally does take that person home. This series of entries will be about those things that I never thought about -- some will be serious, some will be funny, and who knows what the others will be because I simply don’t know what they will be as I have never thought about it.

One of my first ones happened the Saturday after Tiff’s memorial services.  I had just dropped my brother-in-law off at the airport, and I needed to stop somewhere for lunch. Well, right now I am going through a lot of firsts without Tiffany and that was the first time that I went out to eat alone following Tiff’s death. I decided to go to Taco Bell (not because I really wanted to but because that has always been one of Tiff’s favorites) and finished eating.  I had a two hour drive ahead of me, so I decided that I had better use the bathroom before I leave. Who in the world is supposed to hold your drink for you when you have to use the bathroom at a restaurant and you are alone? I am not sure as I never thought about it before!

The Next Right Thing

I wrote the below a couple weeks ago as I considered the future.  Tomorrow I return home for the first time since I left for Tiffany’s memorial service in CO.  I have spent the last couple of weeks with Tiffany’s parents in CO and my family in CA. As I look forward to the next couple of weeks, I am sure that I have some tough days ahead, but I also know that God’s grace is sufficient.  I must be willing to do the next right thing.

I find myself in a very interesting and difficult time right now. It has now been two and a half weeks since Tiffany died, and i am still working through it all.  I have a feeling that this is going to take awhile! So the question is, what do you do now when God in His divine plan chose to take the love of your life home? You simply do the next right thing. I have decided that I don’t have to have all of life figured out, and I don’t have to make a whole bunch of decision -- I simply need to do the next right thing -- that which honors my God, that which is wise and prudent, and that which keeps me focussed on my God.  Tiffany and I had many times when because of health or just simply because of life, we had to choose to just simply do the next right thing. We could not see far enough ahead or the circumstances were just changing too quickly. So what specifically is the next right thing for me -- it is taking the time to work through Tiffany’s death, collect myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally so that I am prepared to go back to “normal” life the beginning of January.  It has been good for me to be away although it has been very hard at the same time. God has used my time away to do His work in my life to prepare me for this next stage in my life. 

Friday Fill-in

Friday Fill-in was one of Tiffany's favorites -- usually just some random or humerous thoughts --

Sunsets in CO are beautiful -- the wide open plains with the mountains 90 miles away make for some gorgeous scenes -- they remind me of my wife.

I still really, really enjoy doing things for Tiffany.

There is nothing quite like decorating for Christmas on Christmas Eve.

The simplicity of white lights as the only decorations on a tree create a great environment to stop and remember.

This One Breath -- what to do with it?

I have thought much about what to do with the blog that Tiffany began earlier this year. She had been challenged by a good friend to write and to transparently talk about her life with a chronic disease like CF and just about her life. Tiffany started writing and then took a break to evaluate what she was doing.  I remember sitting in our loft and talking about the reality that if the blog was going to work, then she simply had to be more transparent -- it was her life and how she biblically handled her life situation that was going to have impact on people’s lives. So that began a process when she started to transparently share about her life.  For the last 10 months she has been sharing about her life with many of you. The reality is that telling Tiffany that she needed to be transparent was a whole lot easier than me being transparent. Although I don’t know entirely how I will use the blog, I have decided to keep the blog going.  Here are some of my present thoughts on how I will use the blog.

1. Continue sharing about life with a chronic disease -- although it will not be as effective as the person who is going through it, the Lord gave me a front row seat into someone’s life that had to deal with it.
2. Share about the reality of losing your love, your best friend, your wife, and your constant companion.
3. Share what God is doing in my life.
4. Share some of Tiffany’s writings that never made it online -- some things were too personal or were written in her paper journals or were written long before blogs existed.

I would love to hear from others on how you think this blog should be used or how it would be helpful in days and years ahead.

Another Blessing

Last night was a great privilege to go to the Chandler Children's Choir concert. I am over in CA with my parents and found out this week that they were dedicating last night's and tonight's performances to Tiffany.  Tiffany had played the piano for them for the last year and a half.  So yesterday, my dad and I made the 7 hour commute over to Phoenix went to the concert and then came home afterward and got home around 2 a.m.  The kids did a phenomenal job.  Tiffany would have enjoyed the concert so much. Here is a song that they recorded earlier for us as a family with Tiffany's home going.  They sang it last night and is called Dona Nobis Pacem (God Grant us Peace).  Thank you CCC for dedicating these performances to Tiffany and for all your support that you have shown.

Real Gold Fears No Fire

Below is my tribute to Tiffany which was read at the two different memorial services in AZ and in CO. The complete booklet with many other things can be seen here. I plan in the days ahead to share more thoughts about the last two weeks. God is good!

Tiffany Leigh Davis Brock

1975-2010

“Real Gold Fears No Fire”

A Tribute to My Wife

by David Brock

Thirteen and a half years ago, I began a wonderful new adventure in my life when on May 30, 1997, I married Tiffany Leigh Davis. As I have looked back these last couple of days over our relationship, I have become even more thankful for the woman that God placed in my life. Four years before we got married, we met in fresh- man speech class at Bob Jones University. Our teacher Mrs. Waite started the class explaining what the class would entail and then she mentioned that the relationships formed in freshman speech could very well last a life time and that it was more than likely that some of those friendships would lead to marriage. Well, as a typical freshman guy, I took her suggestions to heart and began surveying my options and the competition in the class. Then, each of us freshman students had to give a quick impromptu speech about ourselves and what we did with our summer. When Tiffany got up and gave her speech, I was impressed—she was a gorgeous blonde, from the West, grew up on a ranch in Colorado, had experience with youth camps, and on top of all that, she played the piano. From that very first class period of speech class, I began a pursuit. I had a strong idea that Tiffany would be a woman that would be able to stand with me in ministry and life. I will never regret that pursuit. A year and a half later, we started dating. (Our fist date during that first semester of speech class did not go well, so I waited another year before I would ask again.)  

Right after Tiffany and I started dating, my parents came to visit at the college; I stayed with them at the guest room, and they had a “little talk” with me. They told me up front that I had better not mess with the emotions of this girl, and that if I wasn’t serious and wasn’t willing to make the sacrifice of being married to someone with Cystic Fibrosis and face the reality that I would probably be a widower early on in my life, I should stop the dating relationship now and not hurt Tiffany. My internal response screamed, “Wait a second! You’re supposed to be on my side!” In reality, my parents were on my side as they were trying to protect Tiffany from being hurt and me from not counting the cost. I spent the next three months asking myself if I could love Tiffany the way that I needed to love her and if I was willing to be a widower at a young age. As our relationship grew, I found I did love Tiffany; and I decided that just a couple years with Tiffany would be worth any cost. From Tiffany’s perspective, she was trying to decide if marrying me would be fair to me. You see, she was living the Cystic Fibrosis life and knew the hardships that were involved. I am so glad that she said yes to me! 

We got married twenty-seven days after our college graduation. Little did I know then of Tiffany’s depth or the complete privilege it has been to serve next to her for thirteen and a half years. We have been through many trials and difficulties: many of which no one but she and I know, and we have been made better as a result of those trials. You see, Tiffany was not defined by Cystic Fibrosis, but yet it helped shape her to be the woman of God that she was. When you live in light of the fact that you are going to die soon, you live life much differently. She did not live a life for herself, but rather, Tiffany lived a life for her God seeking to please Him with her life and responses to what God had placed in her life.

When I think of my wife, I think of these things.

1. Friendship – From the start Tiffany wanted our marriage to be a wedding of best friends. I can definitely say, I married my best friend.

2. Passion – Tiffany’s passion for God, for me, for her parents, for her brother, and for her future sister in-law burned deeply in her heart; and those passions extended to those she interacted with day after day.

3. Faithfulness – I am thankful for Tiffany’s faithful dedication to our marriage, life, work, and family. And I am thankful she faithfully fought for her health.

4. Perseverance – When Tiffany was healthy, she would have to spend four to six hours a day on daily treatments. When she was sick, she would spend all day trying to get healthy with treatments and rest. When she graduated from ASU with her Master of Music, she was on IV treatments from a recent hospital stay. We did an IV treatment on the way to graduation in the car; she unhooked herself, and then she went and marched in graduation. I lost count of how many recitals, performances, and concerts she played for while being in the middle of an IV treatment.

5. Always Learning – Tiffany loved to learn. Even this semester she was taking an online class in Finale, a music notation computer program.

6. Gracious – Tiffany always had a kind word even for those that would sometimes hurt us in ministry.

7. Simple Elegance – Tiffany dressed, decorated, and lived with a simple elegance all her own.

8. Eclectic – It was hard to peg exactly what Tiffany liked as she liked such a wide range of things, but the eclectic always had a purpose: “It makes me smile” would be her answer each time something new but possibly a little strange would show up in our home.

9. Forgiving – Being married to me gave her much practice in this area, but she was always ready to forgive.

10. God Dependent – Tiffany filled her heart and mind with Scripture and looked to God to get through the emotional and physical trials that come with living with Cystic Fibrosis and being married to a pastor.

11. Child of God – When she was seven years old, she placed her faith and trust in Christ not depending on any church, work, or personal goodness but rather in Christ’s death on the cross to give her eternal life which she is enjoying today. Tiffany’s identity was and continues to be that she is God’s child. Because of this truth, I find great hope and comfort in knowing I will see her again.

12. Patience – Even when she wasn’t feeling well, she was so patient. I remember a night in the hospital when one of the CNAs was emptying trash on the pod, and you could hear him coming as he would go into a room at 3 a.m. and empty the trash in a very loud way. One night after we had endured this a couple nights in a row and he came in and started making a racket in our room, I sat straight up in my cot that was next to Tiffany’s hospital bed and was about to give him a piece of my mind when I felt Tiffany’s hand on my chest. She was saying, “It’s okay David, go back to sleep.” We had many “it’s okay, David” moments in our marriage! She taught me patience.

13. Loving – Tiffany sacrificed of herself for me, her family, and those around her even when it cost her health and strength. She chose to love and give of herself. She lived in the moment by loving at that moment.

14. Excellence – Tiffany practiced her piano for hours upon hours so that she would be effective at facilitating worship, accompanying, and teaching. She gave 100% to each and every opportunity.

15. Thankful – Complaining wasn’t something I heard from Tiffany; and even at home in the middle of doing all her treatments, she expressed gratitude for the life and family that God had given her. She would thank everyone in the hospital for how they would help her whether it was cleaning her room, taking blood, or the numerous visits from a variety of doctors and nurses.

16. Humble – Tiffany was always thinking of the other person and would not want to inconvenience anyone. This humility that looked out for others came from her dependence in a God Who she knew looked out for her.

17. Musician – Without a doubt, Tiffany loved music and loved being able to com- municate through music. She essentially became an expressive extrovert through her music and would go back to her quiet introvert when she was done playing. Her most expressive faces shone brightly when she was able to communicate truths through the music so

that those truths would penetrate the listener’s ears.

18. Partner – I often say that Tiffany authenticated my ministry. She was my job security because if you guys got ridof me, I would take her with me! And frankly, since no one wanted Tiffany to go, I always had a job. Both of us grew up in the West surrounded by cattle and horses and western- themed lives, so we understood the concept of “being a good partner.” Tiffany was just that: my cowgirl and my “partner.” Come branding time at the ranch, she and I made pretty good flanking partners.

When I think of Tiffany’s focus in life, I think of these things. They are qualities of a life well lived. But more than all of these qualities, when I think of Tiffany, I think of my God. Tiffany endeavored to reflect Christ in her life on a daily basis, and I couldn’t help but see God in her each and every day. The depth of Tiffany’s personal walk with God was even greater than I knew as I have begun to look through her personal journals. She was so in love with her God and desired to serve Him with her life and to be faithful to the end. She was completely dependent on God to face the trials of life and to give her the grace that was needed.

The last challenge that Tiffany gave me came after she had been moved to ICU. She had gotten to the place where talking was too hard and was taking too much energy so she was using sign language which I did not know. Finally she took a deep breath and said through the BIPAP mask, “Hope in God.”

What does it mean to hope in God? It means that I can place my confidence in an all-mighty God Who will perform His promises in my life and will be the Sustainer of my life. It means that I have confidence that because Tiffany repented of her sin and accepted Christ as her Savior, I will see her again in Heaven. It means that no matter what comes in life, even the death of the love of my life and my best friend, God can and is to be trusted and loved. Having hope in God means that my confident expectation must be in God and God alone. I hope that you will join me and accept Tiffany’s challenge: “Hope in God.”

My mom would often say that she didn’t raise me to be a bachelor. She said this not because she pressured me to get married, but that simply my predispositions in life were not conducive to the single life. I told my parents Wednesday night hours before Tiffany went home to be with the Lord that although they did not raise me to be a bachelor, Tiffany has spent the last thirteen and half years preparing me to be a bachelor. Our life verse for our marriage was Proverbs 3:5-6 which says that we must trust in God with all of our heart and then depend upon Him to direct our lives. Tiffany lived that life of trusting God for the future, and we are content with God’s design for our life. Thank you, Tiffany, for being my love, my best friend, and God’s agent in my life to prepare me to be better for His service. I love you mountains and mountains, oceans and oceans, and valleys too!

Tiffany's Memorial Service