Dying...a new reality

     One of the realities of life with a chronic disease is the reality of death.  As an adult with CF, I thought that I had personally come to terms with this reality.  However, events of the last few months have proven otherwise.

     As a CFer, growing up, my parents did not hide from the fact that the disease I was dealing with would most likely take my life.  At diagnosis, they were told that they would be lucky to see me reach the teen years.  Now at 34, the life expectancy is in the late 30’s (there is a 67 yr old CFer at my clinic-very cool).  So the reality that I would die young is something that I dealt with early on.  My faith plays a huge roll in this.  Although dealing with a fatal disease, I am a firm believer that my days are ordered by my Lord-my life is in His hands-not in CF’s.

     Now to the reality of today.  The last several months have been difficult.  My pft’s have dropped to a new low-35% with already two rounds of IV’s abx and lots of questions.  I have been faced in a whole new way with the reality that my body is dying.  This has been tough.  It has resulted in a lot of questions-some good, like what changes need to be made, do I need to focus more on health maintenance and some not so good, like Lord, why do I get to deal with this, why won’t this just disappear-yes, and some wrong thinking on my part.

     So, I am actively working at changing some of my thinking.  Working through, again, a fear of death; more accurately a fear of all the not so fun things that are likely to precede death. Working through a complete trust in my Lord and that He has in fact not left me alone to deal with this.  Thinking through the reality that a double lung transplant may be closer that what I had even considered.  The reality that I may catch a bug, have to go to the hospital and never come home.

     In working through this I am focusing on the truth of who my God is-the truth of His character-the fact that He is sovereign and that He has not left me to deal with these things without Him.